Broken Beauty
by crazyindira
Summary: Diary of a broken girl.
1. 1st November

**Broken Beauty**

Hey, Guys. If someone's reading this, then most probably I'm dead or at the verge of dying.

Because _this _is my diary. Here I wright down all my thought's about this fucking world. I don't know why I'm doing this.

I bet my psychiatrist would call this really helpful and she'd wanna read it every damn appointment. Not with me, Hon.

Maybe I should start from the beginning. Why I'm writing this, like a story? Because I bet with you, that someday someone will find it and read it. So they should know all the reasons why I did all the things, I'm sure I'll regret.

It all started... Nah, if I would have known when it all started, I would have been able to control me. But I just crashed into my destiny.

**1th November**

Shit, damn it, fuck!

My sports teacher saw them. My scars, I tried to hide so long.

She talked with me and I had to fight the tears- without success.

First I tried to make her believe they were from a cat- at least my parents didn't notice them! She didn't believe me so easily.

"It's impossible, that a cat did that", she said. Then she talked and gave me a feeling of remorse.

But what inflamed my anger was: "I always get a shock when I see such things. It shows me, that a student is suffering. _Does it help_?"

**_Does it help?_**

I thought I misunderstood. "What the fuck does this woman know?", I thought bitter.

After she let me go, I ran crying to the changing rooms. I didn't notice I almost ran over a friend of mine. The only thing I wanted to do, was to get a tight hug from one of my best friends. She knew me the best, 'cause we knew us 8 years long.

She and I came together in this school, full of geniuses. A special school for the Best of the Best. We made new friends, but if we needed real comfort, we came to each other.

I fell into Kate's arms and sobbed and sniffed and bawled. She got a huge shock. No wonder, I never cried like this ever before. Well... Not in front of her.

She comforted me and we went to class.

Nobody mentioned my scars.


	2. 13th November

**13th November**

I pulled through one week and three days... Well, at least I tried! It's so damn hard to make everyone smile!

Just 'cause I was talking with my friend, Catherine, about who already knew about me cutting, my other friend beside, Lacey, started crying!

Because I didn't shout: _"We're talking about the people, who know me cutting!"_ I just showed at my wrist with my knife, we were eating lunch, and said: "We're talking over those who know 'bout **that**."

She didn't get it, I just meant: "Doesn't matter", then she ran away, weeping. She really said: "Why is _everyone_ so mean to me!" And something like: "_Nobody_ knows how hard things are for me."

God, does she think she's the measure of all or what? And 'cause I was such a sensitive person I had feelings of guilt. My friend tried to make me feel better, but I did it again.

Now Lacey can live with the thought, that she's the fault for another scar on my body. If I would have told her...

The whole day was just crappy.

Damn it, I hate me so much.

Just let me die, God.

And still, I know, I can't die... Because people still need me.

My brother.

My friends.

_Damn it..._

Life's shit.


	3. 19th November

**19th November**

My black hair fell into my eyes. I liked the colour.

My brown eyes were bigger too at a time. Now you could see dark shadows beneath them. I didn't sleep well since ages.

My teacher gave me a bad mark again. And Mom gave me a horrible scold.

I couldn't reach Kate, because Mom took away my mobile.

If I wouldn't pass this time, she'll take me out of school.

_Bitch._

Blood seeped out of my arm. I sighed out of ease.

_I won't hurt anybody, except myself. _

I made them sad, hurt them, every time I tried to do it right.

_Somebody, help me!_

My class teacher talked with me.

The sports teacher informed her, of course.

I had to persuade them, that they couldn't tell **it **my parents.**  
**

I told them, they would worry, give them the fault, divorce etc.

They agreed to keep it a secret.

The real reason was: They would probably give my friends the blame, that they gave me false ideas etc. and send me into a boarding school.

Now, I could go to the psychiatrist on Friday.

_Fuck._

I already once was at her place.

It was a cozy little room, with beach photos and stuff.

I hated it.

At that time it was because of exam nerves.

Now I think, if she would have noticed, she would've known that I could've turned into a self-harming girl.

If she would have noticed and cared, I wouldn't be scarred for the rest of my life.

_Society never cares. And when it's too late they sweet-talk and say nice things 'bout you at your funeral._

I shouldn't think like that.

After all I wanted to get burned into ashes.

_You're gonna live my girl. Life's shit and you have to live with that._

Gosh, this sucks.

Day wasn't really extraordinary.

Played with bro.

Missed theater-class.

Learned for test.

Got new English-teacher.

Most probably we chased the old one off.

She was nice.

New one gives us the fault, he had to come back from Hawaii.

I also wanna go to Hawaii.

_Forget it._

Got bad marks and a scold.

Cut again.

Hate me.


	4. 26th November

**26th November**

Today's Tuesday.

Friday and today I went to the psychiatrist. Talked with her.

I don't think it helped much.

I didn't cry, like I did a few months ago at her place.

At that time I was weak.

I forbid myself to be weak anymore.

I would stay strong.

Well... I looked like I was strong. Nobody knows how I feel inside.

_At night, when the lights turn off and everything goes quiet, the demons inside my head say "Hi"._

All my feelings were a big black ball, locked inside my heart.

Where nobody could find them.

But they were more of a bomb then a ball.

Sometimes they exploded.

That happened again today.

I hit Catherine.

I didn't hit her hard. If I would then she would've had a bright red mark on her cheek.

Everyone who noticed were like: "O my god! Bla bla bla."

Sometimes I just hate everything.

The only good news was: My best friend Amélie got a brother!

His name's Ryan!

For a moment I was really happy.

The thing I hate about common people is: Everybody thinks self-harming kids can't be happy.

Of course they can.

You just have to know how to make them happy.

I always feel happy, when someone get's a child.

Or if I get praised.

Or when I hear a good song.

The thing that scar(r)ed me were my emotions.

The black ball of feelings sometimes got cracks and then a wave of hatred overran me.

It was as if a second me would take overhand.

Then there was a murderous black hole inside me.

My friend says because I had to live through so much pain.

I myself don't think I'm schizophren.

'Cause I'm always conscious when something like that happens.

What makes it even more horrid.

I don't want to be the monster who detests every damn thing.

Soon it's Christmas.

I noticed I didn't have any money with which I could buy Christmas presents.

All my friends were asking me what I wished.

_I wish that all of you stay happy._

I didn't tell them.

Instead I got a idea.

My parents didn't give me any allowance anymore, but they gave me money for lunch at the canteen.

Each day 10$.

Since yesterday, Monday, I stopped eating lunch.

I didn't eat anything for breakfast and when we had lunch time I almost died of hunger.

But today it was much easier since yesterday.

Kate kinda freaked out.

She was all like: "**HELL NO! DON'T STARVE, JUST TO BUY ME A CHRISTMAS PRESENT!**

I laughed.

Kate was a beautiful person.

She had long brown hair and green-brown eyes with orange speckels.

They were colour-changing. In the morning they were green, when it turned evening they were brown.

Fascinating eyes.

She needs specks, but she usually wears contact lenses.

And she sings really good.

And she's tall, but not as tall as Verena. Verena is really tall!

Kate's a total contrast to Catherine.

Catherine has thick, black hair, brown eyes and is half Chinese.

She's a bit small.

She plays tennis.

She's a real genius.

And there were Verena and Naomi, Lacey, Alice, Aurora, Mina, Cara and the others...

I love all my friends, but the List kinda shrank.

All my best friends couldn't stay in school.

Sophia went 'cause she couldn't take the pressure.

Lucia too went 'cause of the pressure.

Mia was a much severe case than me. She went to a mental clinic, where they treat patients three months to stable them. Mia is in her fifth month now.

Sometimes I just feel so alone.

On 30th November I'll wear a black ribbon on my wrist.

_I'm a self-harmer._

Gotta live with that.


	5. 29th November

**29th November**

Today was a relative good day.

I got a good mark.

My parents were happy.

Sports was okay.

Kate told me that Diana was worrying 'bout me.

_How cute._

Tomorrow we would go somewhere with friends, sleep over or so.

_Horrible._

I would get problems, if someone would notice my scars.

They weren't healing well.

I would wear a black bracelet.

A sign.

I am listening to Hallelujah by Rufus Wainwright.

I like the song.

I would take two books of the jewel trilogy.

The first book was good.

Maybe my dad would transfer my music on my iPod.

That would be the best thing ever.

_Music keeps me alive._

I feel half dead.

I think I'll cut my hair.

Fasted a week.

The weirdest thing that happened today was:

A girl around eleven or so was crying in the bus. Her sister was just talking with her friend. A minute before she got out of the bus I felt really bad and suddenly I found myself turning around.

I said: "When I see you feel bad, I feel bad, so take this money and buy yourself something nice."

She was all like: "No, no..."

That must have been weird for her.

In the end I stuffed 10$ in her sports bag.

I heard her whisper: "Hey, Sis, that girl gave me 10$."

Her sis said: "Say thank you."

She didn't.

I don't mind.

I'm crazy.

10$, the money I spared to buy Christmas gifts... I just gave it to a girl, I don't even know.

Her name's Jordan.

Well at least she stopped crying.

Castle of glass from Linkin Park is a great song.

Listening it since a hour.

_I'm carayzay!_

Well... I felt much better after giving her the money.

_Hach... Life's weird._


	6. 2nd December

**2nd December**

I'm having a complete breakdown.

I'll just go and cry now.


	7. 3rd December

**3rd December**

School was okay.

Have theater-class later.

Got to go.

I'll miss the bus.

Don't wanna go.

I hate all of those kids.

My brother has a friend at home visiting.

I really wanted to jump in front of the bus today.

Thank God I didn't.

Because while walking home, a car almost hit me and I thought:_ I don't wanna die._

Maybe I'm not tired of life yet.

I'll take my mobile, when I'll go to theater-class.

It's a big problem, if you're in a city without telephone booths.

And I need my music.

_When the beat drops you die._

Lacey made me angry today.

I decided to call Catherine mandarin. ('Cause she speaks Mandarin, the language).

Yesterday was visiting day.

Thank god my parents didn't come.

My mum thought that she didn't have to go, 'cause each class was needless.

_Why do I have to go to school then?_

The weekend was awful.

At first we had lots of fun.

We danced and drank Coke and listened to music etc.

Then my friends started talking about weird things.

First Rita asked my about the _weird_ things I post on Insta.

I didn't answer directly, I said it was 'cause of Mia and that I didn't do anything and if, my parents would've noticed.

While saying that I felt a dagger stab me.

_They don't know a thing 'bout me._

Rita was satisfied.

At least I thought so.

Suddenly they started talking about psychic problems.

Gina was pretty clever how she started off with that theme.

She talked about her friend, how she was always happy and actually really sad deep inside her heart.

Sonya and Rita also joined in the conversation.

And surprisingly I also did the same.

I first noticed when everyone was staring at me.

_Hell._

Then they talked about themselves and when it came to my turn, I jumped up and ran upstairs (that place was really big).

I went to check on my brother and 'cause he couldn't sleep, we cuddled up together and I fell asleep for two hours.

When I woke up it was 3.00 A.M or something.

I went down, where all the parents and grown-ups were laughing and playing games.

When me and my friends went to sleep it was 3.30 A.M.

Rita instantly fell asleep, Gina and Sonya at last at 4.00 A.M.

I stayed awake all night.

The good thing was, I got my mobile back.

I was "addicting" with my mobile and reading the two other books of the jewel trilogy.

After four hours I was finished with the second book and was in the middle with the third and had a few new likes.

The worst thing was when they all woke up and Gina and Sonya went playing outside in the snow.

When they came back, they forcefully tried to look under my sleeves.

Thank God they couldn't.

After all, I'm a pretty good actress.

Now they're suspicious.

Yesterday after school, me and Kate went home together with the bus.

Kate actually plays volleyball every monday.

But she couldn't, because while at a tournament this weekend, she sprained her lil' finger.

I kinda flipped in the inside.

I was thinking: "Oh God Kate! We need a doctor! Someone help!"

She has a appointment tomorrow.

Well, at least I hope so.

She drove the whole way down into the village with me, 'cause her mum was in the bakery there.

We just wanted to exit, when I noticed I was slipping.

Beside me there was a man.

I was all like: "No, please, no, no, no_, damn it."_

I more or less fell on that guy.

That was so embarrassing!

I said sorry, and Kate couldn't stop laughing her ass of.

I went to the traffic light and wanted to take a different route, so that I wouldn't see that man.

It was pure irony, that he had to take that way.$So I ran back to Kate, who just had to laugh more.

We went to the bakery,(saw a friend on the way) where her mum, Daniela, was waiting.

When we went out of the bakery again, we saw a boy.

I knew him.

I told Kate: "That guy wants to come to our school... _Probably he's gay."_

I think I expressed myself in the wrong way.

Kate and I had to laugh really hard.

It sounded that if that guy wanted to come to our school, he'd be gay or so.

I don't have anything against gay people, but this was just funny.

At home the mood changed right away.

My dad was angry (probably mid-life crisis) and shouted the whole time and indirectly told me I was ugly and stupid and weak.

And somehow everything became too much.

I just got a "enough" in arts class and was really disappointed.

And music was a "not enough" and that was really sad, 'cause I actually loved music.

But I never got the real chance to sing.

Everything just became too much.

I couldn't take it anymore.

The only good thing is, that today I'm "clean" since two weeks.

I would stay strong.

Just for the others.

For Kate and my little bro and everyone.

But Kate could manage on her own.

She has a lot of friends.

But my brother had nobody.

He needed me.

I would protect him.

And if it needed my life.


	8. 11th December

**11th December**

Many things happened.

Mia visited us in school.

I and Lacey were eating lunch.

Well, _I_ was eating lunch, because Lacey meant I had to.

Our teacher had to go, so we had a free hour. Actually, we had to do some work, but I just did them at home.

The problem with Lacey is, I sometimes really hate her, but she's one of my best friends.

And the problem is, _I can't hate my best friends._

Well, so Lacey and I didn't stay in the classroom, we went to the canteen and she forced me to eat.

I was fasting for Christmas and my friends made me feel guilty so instead of the 100$ I should have had, I got 80$.

_Damn._

Well, maybe I could box out some money from somewhere.

Or my parents would give me some.

_Of course and the sun rises in the west._

Ok, normally they would, but this month, I got a feeling, they wouldn't.

So, I was eating and suddenly Lacey exclaimed faint: "Mia".

I looked up.

Lacey didn't like Mia.

She said, it was because she had this bitterness deep down in her heart.

That didn't make me wait.

I jumped up and threw my arms around her neck and squeaked: **"****MIA!"**

The boys in my class (did I mention I hate them? They bullied me and I went to the police. _Ha_, they deserved that) turned around and stared, while we two laughed.**  
**

Lacey after a bit also stood up and gave her a friendly embrace.

Mia was released from her old clinic and would go to a new one in January.

The place was 2-3 hours away from here.

Mia asked me, where Alice was and I gave Alice a call. (I got my mobile, 'cause I had to send Dad a SMS if I couldn't make it on my bus. I made it AND GOT MY MOBILE!)

Alice was working in the classroom.

When I told her Mia was in the canteen she gasped: "Mia."

I told her she shouldn't whisper her name, but move her butt down here.

Lacey said, that she wouldn't run, like she always did, when it was lunch break.

Lacey was right.

Alice came 15 min later, even though it only took 5 min to get down here.

With Alice everyone else came.

Catherine, Verena, Naomi and Aurora.

Before Alice though, Kate, Diana and Mina arrived.

They were sitting a few tables behind us, so of course they saw Mia.

While greeting her with the typical embrace, they smelled the scent of cigarettes.

Diana found a pack of Marlboro in her jacket pocket.

Mia said it wasn't even Marlboro.

I just found out they were small cigars (cigarillos).

I dunno, but I just felt so frustrated.

Why did she self-harm?

Why did she smoke? She said it helped her stopping cutting. She still does it sometimes but not deep.

Now I could understand how my friends felt.

After a while we went out and Mia smoked.

I got a temper tantrum and was very upset.

Then Mia went and Alice had to cry.

I was really angry.

We had physics and in front of the Physics room there was a strength analyzer.

It counts with Newtons.

Till fifth December my record was 800 something.

Now it's 1226.

I was so angry that with one hit of my right hand (not even two hands) and without any pad I reached 1226 Newtons.

That was kinda scary, but I'm pretty proud of myself.

And it didn't even leave a scar.

So I couldn't concentrate in physics anymore and Alice had to cry and and and.

Lacey didn't understand all this stuff.

I told her, that I have the same kind of bitterness in my heart like Mia too.

Then she was quiet.

After that we had these information days in our school.

We have to decide till end of January, what profile we want to choose.

There was a old linguistic profile, where you had to make a general qualification for university entrance in greek or latin.

There was new linguistic profile, where you had to absolve the general qualification for university entrance either in russian, or italian, or spanish or english.

Then there was the musical/artistic profile.

Or the economy/law profile.

And the natural science profile.

And of course the psychology/philosophy/pedagogy profile.

_Hell, why is this so complicated?_

Sophia wanted to take the psychology/philosophy/pedagogy profile.

And Lucia wanted to go to the Liceo Artistico, an artistic profile.

_Miss you, Guys._

Of course the qualification included tests in each subject, but the profile you took was extremely important and could even help you in your future job.

I think I'm gonna take the new linguistic profile, english as area of concentration and italian as area of base.

So I went there without parental guide, because my mother wouldn't have understood a shit and my Daddy was in Ukraine.

_Come back home safely, Daddy._

Lucia visited us monday.

Lacey and me screamed really loud, ran to her and hugged her.

Kate and Diana almost got a hearing damage.

Sunday the eight of December it was Lacey's 15th B-day and Lucia went to her party, but Lacey clang on her the whole time.

_That's so unfair._

8th December it was the Birthday of my dead Grandma too.

She would've turned ninety.

I never met her, she died almost two months before my birth.

Dad always told me how happy she was, when she heard she would become a granny again (I have a eight years older cousin).

Dad has to cry sometimes, when he talks about her.

The day before she died, the doctors said she would be fine and sent him home.

Next morning he ran to the hospital with flowers.

_"I'm sorry to tell you this Sir, but your mother passed away a few hours ago."_

I can't even imagine how painful these sentences must have been.

My Grandpa died six months before my birth.

Suddenly he got paralyzed and his longevity shortened drastically.

_Poor Daddy, losing two important persons in a row_.

I got back two bad marks, went to the psychiatrist and my mum canceled my birthday party.

In two hours I would have another exam.

I'm having a inner fight since a few days.

I would like to know, who'd win.

My bad side or my good side?

Only good thing: I'm reading House of Night.

Good book, good story.

I'm reading book two now.

¿Viva la gloria? from Green day is a great song.

Gotta go.

I'll come late to class.

_I'm so tired of all._

**Clean: Three weeks.**


	9. 12th December

**12th December**

_I hate this feeling, knowing others have it worse than me and still... feeling as if I had the worst faith of all._

_Hate this moment, when everyone is laughing and I can't even smile._

_Hate it, when I laugh and I know: "I'm not happy."_

_Hate life, 'cause it makes me feel guilty the whole time._

_Love music, 'cause it keeps me alive._


	10. 13th December

**13th December**

Today it was so great!

_(My stupid teacher checked my arms, ugh)_

**BUT** today I didn't have maths tuition, because today we had the exam.

Scary... It's Friday the 13th!

_Ha ha ha! Who believes?_

So Sophia was in the bus!

She had to go to school.

Our timings were different.

So we talked and laughed and laughed and talked.

At home I had to do geography.

And _physics._

_I **hate **physics._

Then I decided to take a break and _sang._

I dunno why.

Earlier I'd love to sing, but with time, I hated it.

It was just because I would fail in singing classes.

Just like drawing.

I despised it, when Lacey came to complain, that she only had a good in music, and not an excellent, like Kate.

I have a insufficient.

But I sang and was really happy.

I was singing and playing the melody of House of the rising Sun, from the Animals.

I didn't have the sheet music, I just picked the simple melody from hearing.

Very simple.

Kate once said Piano is really easy.

At that time I was really proud, because I could play_ Greensleeves _on the piano.

After that, I wasn't.

_All my dreams burst like bubbles. ~Plop~ another ones gone._

While I was singing, my dad came and listened.

He fetched his Spanish guitar and played the House of the Rising Sun and I sang with him.

It was real fun and Dad was very happy.

After that we listened to old songs:

_Diamonds and Rust from Joan Baez_

_Love story from Andy Williams_

_Summer whine from Nancy Sinatra_

_Sound of silence and Scarborough fair from Simon and Garfunkel._

I prefer Linkin Park and I love Little Girl from Green Day but these songs are good too!

There was a really nice atmosphere and Daddy was so happy!

I was happy too.

So weird, but it feels nice.

**STAY HAPPY!**

**Days clean: 3 weeks and 3 days!**


	11. 16th December

**16th December**

God, I hate me so much!

A few weeks ago, when Mia visited I sent an E-Mail to Diana.

I wrote, that she shouldn't worry 'bout me, if she did.

She knew that I cut, so actually no big problem.

Yesterday she wrote back: "Ehm... Okay... o.O" and added a Spongebob pic (that one with the rainbow, where he says: with a little fantasy!).

She had photo shopped it.

There was written: _Whore did it interest me._

_That motherfucking dick sucking slut!_

And I wanted to give her something for X-Mas...

I hate all these people, who have their perfect fake little life!

_I'm sorry that you can see my problems on my arms!_

I cut.

But this time while I did it, I felt this weird satisfaction, you only feel, when you hit someone in the nuts.

_Shut the Fuck up!_

In sports that Bitch of a teacher was really mean, just because we were standing wrong.

And I got a volleyball in my face.

Everybody came and asked me if I was alright.

I smiled and said I was.

But inside I was just kinda screaming:_ Of course I'm not fine! Someone hit a ball in my face!_

I had to run on the bus and didn't change my clothes anymore.

_Pyjama Style!_

God I hate everything.

And I still haven't finished Christmas shopping!

_Arrrrrrrgh!_

**DAYS CLEAN: 1 Day.**


	12. 17th December

**17th December**

Yesterday I fell asleep crying.

My bad was saying I was making a ugly face and I said "_No" _and he slapped me!

_What the Fuck man?_

But that doesn't matter so much to me.

I mean he's my Dad.

And I still love him, just like my mom.

But I really was angry a while ago.

Diana commented on my Blog.

She said something and I kinda flipped, but I talked with her and feel much better now.

It was because of my posts.

Diana hates me and at least she shows it.

Vanessa hates me too but she acts kinda normal. We're not _real_ friends and both of us know it.

Mina instead hates me too and acts like one of my friends.

I kinda knew that she hated me, but today, few minutes ago Kate told me directly and it is a great difference.

I feel like... someone switched on the light.

So calm and... cold.

And hurt.

_A friend less._

Kate told me, that she talked really bad behind my back.

Kate is a honest person and I believe her.

Besides, Mina doesn't have a own personality, somehow.

She always does, what the others do and doesn't have an own opinion.

I'm just so tired of all...

I found out, that all the parallel classes, around 200 children know that I cut.

_Superb. Fantastic. Brilliant._

All because of my blog.

_Damn._

And I asked myself, why they were so friendly.

Honestly, I don't want all this shit.

I think, I'll go to school with a half sleeved T-Shirt tomorrow.

I don't care anymore.

Only good thing: I got two _excellent_ today! **TWO _EXCELLENT_!**

**CLEAN: TWO DAYS.**


	13. 18th December

**18th December**

I didn't wear the half-sleeved T-shirt.

I wanted to wear it, but my mom came in, while I was searching for my T-shirts and gave me a full-sleeved one.

Tomorrow I would.

Diana would flip.

_Ha ha ha._

Half of class were missing, a few were sick and the others had choir practice for X-Mas singing.

It's fun, somehow.

I will come late to class.

Fuck on it, I will show my scars.

I hid them, 'cause I thought, nobody knew.

But if everyone knows, why hide?

Mina, I didn't see that fucking Bitch since today morning.

Thank God Physics is cancelled!

Ok, I need to run now.

_Fucking school._

**DAYS CLEAN: 3 days**


	14. 20th December

**20nd December**

Yesterday I wore the half-sleeved shirt.

Felt ok.

Kinda like: _Fuck yoooouuuh!_

I'm on the verge of crying.

It's my birthday.

And the last day of school.

We gave presents to each other, my friends and I.

Even Mina gave me something.

I gave her a bracelet with the infinity symbol on it and she gave me a box full of candy canes!

And I got so cool things:

Kate gave me a self-made box with photos of OneRepublic and Sandra Bullock! And inside the box were a beautiful necklace with a heart, a ring with a leopard motive, another ring made out of sequins and a nice hand cream from Body shop.

Catherine gave me cool black arm warmers!

Lacey and Alice gave me the film; **HUNGER GAMES!**

Verena gave me a cup (so cuuute motive on it!) and a lot of chocolates in it!

Naomi also gave me lots of fine chocolate!

My parents gave me 2 rings and a super cuddly sweater.

My brother gave me the book; **THE HOST!**

And my grandaunt gave me a cool T-shirt.

I am so happy I almost have to cry.

_Thank you everyone for such a wonderful birthday._

**DAYS CLEAN: 5 DAYS!**

* * *

_I'm sorry guys, if the story is getting boring. I'm running out of ideas._


	15. 24th December

**24th December**

It's Christmas eve.

I should be happy.

Why are there so many thoughts in my mind?

I can't take it anymore.

I "quit" friendship with Amélie two days ago.

She, her boyfriend and another friend then called me and made me laugh.

Sadly I'm pretty sick and it sounded as if I was crying.

Maybe I was crying inside.

_I'm just broken._

She came to visit yesterday.

We didn't talk about the "matter".

When she went I just felt worse.

_When your best friend becomes a stranger, it's fucking horrible._

I chatted with her and I feel so horrible, because we ain't best friends anymore and not even good friends.

I don't know anything of her anymore.

And she doesn't know nothing 'bout me.

I'm just looking the whole time outside if someones in front of the door, because my parents invited a bunch of people.

The worst thing is: I'm wearing something half-sleeved and _NOBODY _noticed my scars.

How come?

This just made me angry.

They just can't think 'bout me, a girl in their circle of acquaintances, self-harm.

They just think, depression is only for those stupid girls, who want to seek attention.

_Bitches._

I'm so shit-scared, because I can't stop thinking that Kate and all my other friends are just friends with me out of pity.

And now I insulted Kate because of that.

_I'm the worst friend anyone can have._

God, I hate me so much, I should just die.

And the only thing that kinda keeps me from drowning is Justin Bieber.

Who would've thought that I once would like his music?

Thanks, Bieber, you saved me.

I'll go and cry now.

**A****ll Bad** that my life's a **Roller Coaster **and I'm your **Heartbreaker**, Sorry I'm just having a **Bad Day**, but I just wanted to say; **As long as you love me,** **All I need for Christmas is you**.

Sorry Kate, Amélie, Catherine, Lacey, Alice, Aurora, Verena and Naomi, but I can't take it anymore.

Let's see if I'm alive till tomorrow.

If not; _I'm sorry and I love you._

_(Stain of a tear drop on the page)_

* * *

**Yo Guys, Merry Christmas! Thanks for standing behind my back! Love ya!**


	16. 1st January

**1st January**

I don't know what's wrong but the world is wanking dangerously.

Something is not working with my ears.

I got a feeling something is stuck and no matter how hard I try, I can't get it out.

I'm falling.

Thank God there is a wall, I lean on it with one hand.

"Stop kidding, Stupid, the moment we tell you to study, you start acting."

_I hate you too, Mother._

I hate my life and my ears are still hurting.

I don't care how many days I'm fucking clean now, I got a feeling today is the last day.

Ow my fucking ears.

I stagger to my room and quietly do shitty math while I got the feeling the ceiling is falling on me.

_There is no God for me, huh. Fucking god fear._

* * *

**Happy New Year, Guys! Sorry, I'm going out of ideas...yeah. Maybe I'll add a chapter in between. **


	17. 3rd January

**3rd January**

Wow, I just read my last diary entry.

I really was angry, wasn't I?

Well I didn't cut on New Year's but today again.

_I'm weak._

I just feel like I can't handle life anymore.

Today it really bleed hard and I was scared that I maybe hit a vein.

Not that I wasn't ready to leave, but my brother and me were alone at home and I didn't want him to find his dead naked sister.

I was in the shower, sorry!

Ugh, I'm so ugly.

I hate to look at my fat and ugly body.

I feel so...tired and finished with everything and I just had a fight with Lucia.

Lucia was really in a rage, she told me that Lacey and I were her only friends, and now both of us would only talk about Justin Bieber and that I should have lots of fun beeing in the fandom of that jerk.

Then she sent me a screenshot where it was written that a girl killed herself, because Justin Bieber told her, she looked like a beached whale.

_What the fuck?!_

I was kinda shocked, surfed around and searched on Google. The second post said, that it was a fake, that the girl killed herself, but that Justin really said that.

I was pretty relieved after this.

I told that Lucia, she was also arguing with Lacey at that time, calling Lacey an ignorant asshole, though they were Besties.

This was like at ten o'clock in the **MORNING.**

_Dude?!_

Lacey and I talked on the phone, we both wrote with Lucia, I was really upset etc.

I think Lacey and I just had a few bad times, but now everything is fine again. After all, she's one of my best friends!

After I studied and ate lunch, my parents went to the new house.

**WE WERE SHIFTING.**

I absolutely hate the new house, but they went to paint a wall of my room.

I also hate my room, it's much smaller than my current one and has little light that comes through a window, that's placed stupidly.

I totally hate everything there but nobody cares about my opinion, so they still bought that small flat, that was much smaller than our current one.

But I was happy they went.

Lacey was really kind, she told me that she totally understood me, because she had to go through the same a few years ago, but that she also settled in. And that she'd help me decorating if I wanted to.

I was really happy and agreed.

We'll shift in spring holidays and our last exam for this term is a day before spring hols, so I could go shopping with Lacey without having to think about school!

She also got excited and was like: "Then we'll get you some posters from _him _and for me too!"

I laughed.

Then I showered and sadly my mum kept her razor _in _the shower and I felt hopeless and like a worthless piece of shit and I cut _deep._

It was bleeding like hell and I was just grinning stupidly and felt happy and then I panicked because of my brother and yeah.

It finally stopped, I put a band-aid on the worst one and chatted again with Lucia and Lacey.

And with Kate.

And with Amélie.

I felt so broken and tired and just studied but I didn't focus and then I had an huge argument with my parents.

They were like: "We're giving you an ultimatum and you still don't study and you never study and you don't know how hard the _real _world is, you still live in your fantasy world where there are flying horses with horns etc. etc. _blablabla._

My extremely _nice and caring _mother told me she was falling in depression _because of_ **me**.

I just wanted to shout:

"_What about me, huh? I_ **am **_depressed because of _**everything! **_Just _think _about **me **once, will ya! _**Look**_ at me! Can't you see my scars? It's not even that I hide them! You just think my life is perfect, think that I don't know how fucking bullshit this world is, you don't see who I _**really**_ am! I am willing to end my life in the worst moments and you just think about yourself! Fuck you! **FUCK YOU TO HELL!**_

But all I did was crying. I cried bitterly, because not even my parents could see me. Nobody saw the_ real_ me.

**DAYS CLEAN: 0 days.**

**New years resolution: None.** _(I didn't think of any. It's useless. I thought I'd try not to cut anymore but...ugh)_

* * *

_So guys? How do you like the new chapter? I tried to spice it up! What were your New Year's resolutions? Mine was to start donating money ^^_


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